I cant escape this hell…. Welll that can be the beginning because that about sums things up. I am so confused as to what I want. I just wish people would turn out to be what u think. I also just wish that you could read into people and tell when they are being fake. Ive had my time where I haven’t been true to myself but never at anyone elses expence… I am just so irritated. And I watched “What a Girl Wants” and it made me sad because Ive always wanted to meet my dad. Not because I need him for anything, ive done fine without him but just because, he made me uno. It would be nice to meet that person… I don’t know I guess I just feel like artificial. I am exactly like my mom and I look like her.. so Im not sure what he would even look like but. I just think it would be interesting to find out uno. Men—where to start. All I have ever wanted is just someone to talk to, hang out with, someone to give my heart to. And well, I gave my heart away, but he didn’t take it. I hate it, and I don’t care who knows this (everyone already does prolly) but, I gave my heart away about 4 years ago to John. I hate it…and I wish with everything I am that I could take it back. But I cant. My mom tells me that he may not be the one for me but I gave it away and I cant get it back, and that I will always love him. I hate that.. I want to be friends with him because I cant stand to not talk to him. Even when he pisses me off royaly, after about a few days, I just want to call to see how he is. I am trying really hard to be a bigger person and realize that it isn’t going to work and try to be his friend. But honestly, even though I told him to call cassie and I told him he should work things out, I cant help but just want to cry when I say those things. I just don’t understand. I did everything for that boy, and I gave up a LOT for him. I just don’t understand why he cant love me. Love is such a strange thing. I also get irritated because, sadly, Ive only ever really dated 3 ppl EVER! And we always just end up FRIENDS. Why am I not the girl that guys want to DATE. And all those guys….were back in my freshman and sophomore year… I just feel like no guy even looks twice at me. Once to make a choice….”no”. then that is it. I feel like I have lost who I am. If you asked anyone about me my freshman year, you would have gotten that I was smart and sweet and I was in yearbook, student council, talent search, I was ranked 7th in my class… ugh..and I gave it all up when I was a sophomore for my friends, John, and drugs. And though they weren’t the right things to do, it was the only time in my life where I felt like I really belonged. Jenna Megan Krysten and I got along so well. We were there for each other. Me and John were great, I had an amazing time just being around him. And considering all the shit my aunt was putting me through, the drugs kept me sane. I moved to Millersburg and in with my mother. Which was amazing. I stopped doing drugs and tried to straighten out. But no matter what, I just couldn’t find myself there. One day, a few months ago, I went for a drive with a few people and just drove around and got high. And I was happy. And I felt like…ahh…that’s where I want to be. No matter what I try and do..the place I want to be..is high. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I scare me. I just want, a guy to hold me and talk to me and make me feel better and I want friends that I don’t fight with constantly. I want to be happy. I worked about a year and half at the pizza shop in Holmesville. Even after I quit, I would help then ANY time they asked. I even drove back and forth for almost a month (a 2hr drive) just because they needed help. Well, she invited (she as in my boss) me to the Christmas party which was nice but I was so pissed off because she didn’t even give me a CARD. Really I could have gotten a bonus. 2% of your annual earnings. Which would have been nice to have because I worked a LOT for them. But I didn’t even care that I didn’t get that. But it was the fact that they didn’t even get me a fucking CARD. They got some of the employee’s kids a huge chocolate bar and a whoppie cushion. I don’t want that but I just thought that if they could do that, they could have shown that they appreciated what I did and at least bought me a CARD!!!!! So im don’t with that place. Fuck it. Becca has pissed me off royaly. Not even going into THAT right now. But I know why I am mad. That is all that matters. “I don’t run away from you. I walk slowly and it kills me because you don’t care enough to stop me” I quit smoking. Its proving to be really hard right now though. All I want to do is smoke. I have went 5 days without one and haven’t craved one at all. Then today, I want one. UGHHH. But my mom said that she read that if you quit for 4 days then it is out of your system What if I fell to the floor. Couldn’t take this anymore. Bury me Bury me I am finished with YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Look in my eyes. You’re killing me killing me. (good song. 30 seconds to mars-the kill) NO one is ever how they seem. I hate that. I always trust the wrong people. Considering all the shit Ive been through.. you would think that I wouldn’t trust ANYONE but I still do…and I ALWAYS get shit on… I just don’t understand why. What the hell do I do to people… I feel like I pissed God off really bad. . . . . | 
